For a week or so now my mind has been wrapped around a random MySpace message I received. The quote was simple, yet quick to the point, which I feel, is a more widely wrestled question. ..How does one change? How can one person go from one extreme to the next? I've been trying to change from who I was to who I want to be. And for some reason I go back to who I was. And it's frustrating... As change has been a constant undercurrent theme of my life for almost a year now, I am very familiar of this question and the frustration. I believe most have an inner drawing to change; yet some have no direction. I know this, as about a year ago I had so desperately wanted to change into someone I was not; naturally wanting this transformation overnight, which did not come. A feeling of ..Only if.. and ..If I were (blank) I could do/change so much more...., a constant feeling of no ability to impact or change until we become this desired point of transformation. As I have traveled this road over the past year, I have become more and more acquainted to realize that no one has this miraculous overnight transformation. Change is first sparked within your soul. You must first make this decision that you want to change. Change gives a hope and this spark must ignite a passion within you that only you feel. During the past year I find that a lot of people try to adapt or take on others passions to fill the lack of their own. Passion cannot be borrowed, taken or handed to you. It can only be found within you, which your soul is fueled from. At the very thought of it you feel it, are compelled by it, taking it as your own. Of course as you strive to reform yourself to fit this preconceived image of who you want to become, you will be faced with challenges. You will be faced with oppositions and you will struggle with your biggest enemy.. your former self. You will have this inner battle; you vs. yourself, and you are the only one who can decide to fight or not to fight. Your former will cheat, lie and use your past against who you want to become. As the cliché goes ..You are your own worst enemy... But as it is written we are declared Overcomers; in Jeremiah 1:19 it is written: ..They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,.. declares the Lord. In Luke 10:19 it reads: ..I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all power of the enemy; nothing will harm you... Romans 12:21 - ..Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good... 1 John 5:4 - ..For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith... Your main struggle will be, believing the victory is yours. Mark 9:24 .. ..I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!.. Will you still struggle? Yes. Will it be easy? No. Do you have to travel this path alone? No. One of the most common mistakes I have seen (including myself) is that people try to take this journey alone. Alone you are vulnerable, alone you are weak, and alone you are set up to believe lies and deceit. Surround yourself with those who will help hold you up, those who can help lift you up, and those who can help guide you along this journey. As you travel, you will find that you impact change as you..re on your journey. You will impact some along the way in ways you would not have seen from the start. As you impact others, they will impact you. Each pushing the other to grow and you will come to the realization that, change is not a destination; it is the journey. With each person you come encounter with, every experience you go through, every pain, every joy, through the darkness and through the light, you take a piece with you for it is an ever changing process. On this journey of life, I challenge you to change and never stop. For change is yours for the taking. Change is what we are called to. You are an Overcome and called to be victorious. This is your chance to change.

This past Monday, August 28, 2006 was a day of refreshment, a day of rejuvenation, a day of fulfilled hope and promise. At work they have had me traveling around to conduct a photo shoot of the resorts. During this process over the past 4 days I have had time to think (as most days I have about 5-6 hours to kill due to lighting conditions in midday for photography) so I have been going to my favorite Starbucks to relax and reflect. I sit there as if I have been detached from the world and looking on it as from a third party. I see some fellow Status goers come and go and as I sit here I am amongst people laughing, crying, studying, or just surfing myspace as the girl next to me is, I begin to think. It amazes me how life consists of the same cycles for everyone; these cycles reflect our times of happiness, despair, confusion, success, brokenness, and rejuvenation. But while in certain cycles you feel as if no one understands you, your thoughts, emotions, situation or rationality. You feel as if nobody knows how it feels or they dont understand how it can feel so isolating. It seems as if this year is the year for me to experience all the suppressed emotions I have kept under lock and key for far to long. Unfortunately, I feel as if I were to express my feelings completely, openly and freely, I would come across as an unstable, unraveling band of emotions. I can assure you that this is not the case. In mere essence I feel that it is a result of repression, a reaction that occurs when you believe that if you suppress and ignore issues then you dont have to deal with them and forget about them. When in reality it just delays them to a later date to resurface and reveal that it IS still there and may have actually grown. This year has been a year of the L word. This has been my word that I do not speak of, due to the simple fact that I would have to address certain issues that I had not felt ready to address. For people who are single they can related of the overwhelming urge to flee town during the great holiday Valentines Day, aka S.A.D. (Singles Awareness Day). Just due to they fact that you already know your single but on this day EVERYONE knows your single. This is a day which is suppose to be entirely devoted to that which whom you love, one which whom you have found. For those who have no one, it is a day of constant reminder of your status.Single. From this suppression of the L word, I have also made myself open to attack with lies and deceit, which has in turn given this topic an even greater distaste. Now dont get me wrong I do not despise love nor reject the fact that others have someone, this is not my point at all. For those who have found that someone I could not be happier for them. And I know that fulfillment comes from the Father and we need nothing else I know this, but why dont I feel it? It is because I do not completely accept it. My soul knows yet my heart still craves for something/someone. This dichotomy continues to indwell itself and conflict inside me. I was greatly inspired yesterday by Giena who was so honest and was completely speaking things I have felt. It triggered something in me to search and dredge up those exact things I purposely suppressed. Over the past few weeks I have spoken to so many amazing women that are in my life right now and I hear from them things I would never imagine them having. I never would imagine that any of them would have trouble in the L department. I sit confused, wondering how is this possible, how do such amazing beautiful women seem to have such a struggle as much as I do? It is just makes me think as I am conditioned to believe lies about myself and to believe lies about others (the fact of them deserving more than I do). Jamie and Djessie said something yesterday that I already knew but for some reason hit me. Everyone deserves Love, which I know this but it made me think that I too am entitled to Love, these amazing women deserve someone who can appreciate them for who they are and who they are becoming. It has dawned on me that all of us have been conditioned to believe these lies. We all suffer from the false illusions thrown at us from outlets of marketing, advertising or even sometimes peers. We have all been sold the fact that we are inadequate and need some product, surgery, social status, material object or circle of friends to complete us and make us desirable before Love can even occur. This is one of the biggest lies in our age that is being sold and reaffirmed everyday of our lives. We must not give into these lies nor let them speak of someone we are not. We need to start being a people of open words and emotions. We should not be afraid to tell someone or show someone how we feel or how much we appreciate him or her. As a guy I am sold lies such as Nice guys finish last, You have to be mean to women for them to be drawn to you, You have to play hard to get, You shouldnt show you emotions as it is a sign of weakness. Why has our society come to this point that we shape and conform what is accepted for each gender to behave like or guidelines for attraction? It is because we continue to allow it and in reality we ourselves are guilty of exemplifying some of these attributes we have been sold. Well, I refuse to become a man who is rude or mean to women. I refuse to believe that I have to be a bad boy before someone might notice me. Women also go through similar circumstances where they are told how to be beautiful, how to be attractive, what is accepted and what sacrifices they must make. In fact I seriously feel for women, as societies standards of beauty are nothing but current trends and change within each quarter or season. Will I find her? Yes, and when I do find her, I dont care if she is or is not beautiful by the current standards of society because she will be beautiful to me and I will tell her everyday of her beauty. She may not have everything society has to offer but it doesnt matter, all I need is her. She may not be the highest on the social echelon but that doesnt matter because she will be the highest on mine. I wont have to play hard to get as her love will be true and she will accept me as I am and not an illusion of someone I am not. I have learned that just as there are still good guys left, there are even more good girls. Unfortunately, we guys dont always show them or tell them how great they are leaving it to guys with motives or bad intentions to be the only ones who tell them. We need to step up and speak, step up and act, step up and love. I too, am guilty of not showing or telling them as well. That is why I am committing to write each of you who I hold dear in my heart a letter. And no it wont be this amazing visual card with fancy font. It is going to be a very basic ancient tradition of paper and ink. Manually writing to you of why I am thankful for you. (And they are not in any particular order). Below I am listing your names with just a brief description of why. Jenna You have made me laugh since the beginning of knowing you. Your passionate, creative, funny and true. Kitty- Your boldness I admire just as much as your words. You have just drive that is invigorating and rare. Lori- Your artistic and loyal of which both amaze me. Your sarcasm helps too. Jamie- Your intellect and humor always make for a smile. Djessie- One of the most gentle spirits I have ever know. Cindy- Through both the storms of our lives you have remained true. Lindsey- Just makes me smile. Your outlook and esteem are such an encouragement. Erin- You have such a persona of kindness. Melissa- Creative, funny and someone that has ambition. Heather- Through life has always been around with an open heart. Jen-Your laughter is contagious and with such a heart of compassion and leadership. Jean- Your vibe to be different and your passion for people are truly respected. Jenny- You have always been honest and true. Giena Although we dont know each other that well, your heart and honesty has truly inspired me and made me want to know you more. Kristi- Such talent wrapped up in a amazing women inside and out. Marcia- Time may have lapsed but you have always remained genuine. Nicole- You always have a laughter and smile around you. Nourah- Have so many memories which I cheerish and love them all. Shelby- Have such an amazing heart for people and I love your drive. Sara- Your both funny and beautify of which I am glad to have know. Vanessa- Our lives have been interesting and different yet I still remember the good ol days of which I will always cheerish. Yolanda- Your determination is admirable. Shannon- You have always had such a gentle intriguing spirit about you. Your strength amazes me. Cayla- Although both you and you hugs are missed you have a loving personality about you of which I feel fortunate to have know. Alecia- Although quiet you have such intriguing thoughts and opinions. Lisa- Have always had open arms. Rae-Your never ceasing passion and love is so refreshing and admired. Lorie- Such talent that was unknown in such a loving person. Each and every one of you are just a gift and how fortunate I am to know each one of you. It is time for us to stop giving into the lies and break free so we are able to express to one another openly and lovingly. Step Up & Love.

With the past couple months being such extremes of ups and downs with work and life, it makes me sit back and make me gather my thoughts and contemplate. As I am still compiling my thoughts on the Fear of Loneliness II, I still have so many thoughts going through my head. A friend (Kitty) wrote a poem called I want to be free , which ever time I hear or read it makes me think of Why I am not free which is not a poem or fancy rhyming of words. It is simply reasons, mostly self-inflicted, of why I am not free. I am the type of person who loves music and releases some of my infliction through it. So many songs have said exactly of how I felt or what I wanted to say but had not actually verbalized it. My newest song is called Boston by Augustana which is also featured as my profile song. In it are so many thoughts and feelings I have had over the past couple months. In it says phrases like In the light of the sun, Is there anyone, You don't know me, You don't even care, And you don't wear my chains. Each of these touching on different parts of my life and within each me being feed lies and deception. Lately I have barely slept which does not help the situation. In the song it talks like a possible solution is to just leave, leave it all behind, I think I'll go to Boston, I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name, I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind, I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of Sunset. Leaving seems like it would certainly make things better but in reality things would remain the same. In addition to I want to be free, I also have come across another poem by William Arthur Ward titled To Risk. This too has involuntarily made be think and reflect. It says things like To weep is to risk appearing sentimental, To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self, To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss, To love is to risk not being loved in return. Each of these touching very painful areas within my past and within me, each being lies I have believed or fears that keep me in check. Love being the topic of the past year or so. Wrestling with the lie that, if I dont see someone I wont be hurt. Which has been completely false, and ironically been completely opposite for me. Hiding emotions, being afraid of if I do show my emotions they will just be rejected, feeling for someone so much that it makes my heart ache. Believing that she is out of my league, she deserves and can get better than me, yet willing to do anything for her. Love and Fear are both powerful emotions but together keep someone in check, keeping them from going anywhere, keeping them from being free, keeping them from living free. And I know that all things happen for a reason and that we all go through trials and tribulations, and that the rough times build character, blah blah, so on and so forth but Kitty puts it how I feel: I wanna be free, be free, get free, find free and give it for free, Im sick of being sold freedom and getting slavery in bottles and bars, but i keeping looking in the mall and clubs and churches, I keep searching, in the faces i see, trying to see if theyre free, and if they can sneak me into free.. For awhile now I have prayed and prayed for these chains to be broken, but yet I still feel alone, I still feel bound by these lies and deception, bound by emotions fueled by lies and fear. She continues with freedom is the choice of the desperate and the hurting, freedom is a cry of the heart sick of being broken and searching, for something to bind up our wounds and give us a life worth living, its a gift our God gives and asks before giving, do you want to be healed? and will you accept it, do you want to be redeemed? and will you believe it, do you want to be free? and will you live it?. I want to be free, I want to be redeemed, I want to be free and live it, but I feel my down fall is believing it. Believing it yet against all the lies, all the deceit, all deception. Yet as I sometimes feel like I am spiraling down and being defeated, a song comes into my head. Some might laugh but the words speak to me and reveal to me truth. It is as song called On the Way Down by Ryan Cabrera and in it says: Sick and tired of this world, There's no more air, Tripping over myself, going nowhere, Waiting, suffocating, no direction, I took a dive and, On the way down I saw you, and you saved me from myself, And I won't forget the way you loved me, And on the way down, I almost fell right through, But I held on to you. Been wondering why it's only me, Have you always been inside waiting to breathe, I want to fade, I'm going under, You're all I wanted, You're all I needed, You're all I wanted, You're all I needed. So many times He has saved me from myself, saved me from lies and deception. In Him I am an Overcomer, and through Him will be lifted above these. I will not be diminished to a live a life of just sunsets but a new day of sunrises. A day bright and full of promise. Does it make things better? Right now no, but I know in His time I will be free, live free, and love free. --------------------------------------------- ------------ Full Lyrics Below: I Want To Be Free by Kitty Lynch I wanna be free be free, get free, find free and give it for free im sick of being sold freedom and getting slavery in bottles and bars designer jeans, credit cards and someone elses heart but i keeping looking in the mall and clubs and churches I keep searching in the faces i see, trying to see if theyre free and if they can sneak me into free but all im finding is popular slavery, trendy chains and a charming hip master who repels and attracts me who only wants the end of me wants to lock me behind bars of pride and insecurity stop up my mouth with chains of anger and addiction because i know the truth about this world dying condition and i could speak it but i dont because slavery still looks good to me i just wanna be free shake off this cloud of fear and doubt that holds and haunts me puts me behind walls of pride and preservation makes me hold onto my ego and feeds my anger obsessed with the things that soon possess me the idols He detests impress and tempt me and so I run behind my disguise of fig leaves and Pharisees afraid of what this God might request of me that I lay down the chains i see as treasures ignore the Christian minimum and hold myself to a holy measure one that does not value my New York attitude and deisal jeans it means knowing i cant find freedom in malls bars or even churches freedom is the choice of the desperate and the hurting freedom is a cry of the heart sick of being broken and searching for something to bind up our wounds and give us a life worth living its a gift our God gives and asks before giving do you want to be healed? and will you accept it do you want to be redeemed? and will you believe it do you want to be free? and will you live it? I wanna be free i want to be free oh, i want to be free but slavery still looks good to me --------------------------------------------- ------------ Lyrics to Boston by Augustana: In the light of the sun, Is there anyone? Oh it has begun... Oh dear, you look so lost, Your eyes are red and tears are shed, This world you must've crossed. You said, You don't know me, And you don't even care, oh yeah, She said, You don't know me, And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah. Essential yet appealed, Carry all your thoughts Across an open field, When flowers gaze at you, They're not the only ones Who cry when they see you You said, You don't know me, And you don't even care, oh yeah, Well you said, You don't know me, And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah. She said I think I'll go to Boston. I think I'll start a new life. I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name. I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather, I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain. Oh yeah well I think I'll go to Boston. I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind. I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of Sunset, I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah. You don't know me, And you don't even care, oh yeah, Boston, where no one knows my name, Where no one knows my name Where no one knows my name, yeah. Boston, where no one knows my name. --------------------------------------------- ------------ "To Risk" by William Arthur Ward To laugh is to risk appearing a fool, To weep is to risk appearing sentimental To reach out to another is to risk involvement, To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss To love is to risk not being loved in return, To hope is to risk despair, To try is to risk to failure. But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live. Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom. Only a person who risks is free. The pessimist complains about the wind; The optimist expects it to change; And the realist adjusts the sails.

"To Risk" To laugh is to risk appearing a fool, To weep is to risk appearing sentimental To reach out to another is to risk involvement, To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss To love is to risk not being loved in return, To hope is to risk despair, To try is to risk to failure. But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live. Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom. Only a person who risks is free. The pessimist complains about the wind; The optimist expects it to change; And the realist adjusts the sails. -- William Arthur Ward

Tonight is a Friday night and I am sitting in Starbucks drinking my new favorite beverage... Sitting and waiting for someone who was suppose to be here 45 min ago. Even as late as they are its ok, I haven't really had much time in the past weeks to sit and just do nothing. But as I sit here I try to grasp just one of the millions of things running through my head. My head is spinning and yet the world seems like it is in slow motion while I wrestle with these thoughts and emotions that I have kept in my head for to long. Is it possible that someone can feel truly separated from the world? Is it possible that someone can feel that no one really understands them? Or is it possible to feel like you aren't really able to let people in, in fear of repeats of the past. For a while now I have questioned, why do I feel different, and as much as I like to walk my own path and not follow the crowd it isnt an easy path to walk. For this usually includes not running with the popular crowd or being singled out, which I dont mind most of the time. But sometimes I feel that it would make things much easier if I would just go with the flow and quite possibly might mean being apart of a circle I once so desperately wanted to be included with. My question is if going with the crowd means acting something other than myself then the crowd doesnt accept who I really am. Is this worth being just another face in the crowd? For being part of the crowd would mean I wouldnt be separated or singled out but included only as a result of the putting up a facade of someone I am not. Again, is it worth it? Keeping in mind that not being in the circle probably means I have less of a chance of spending quality time with the people who I think I would like to really know personally. Some say this feeling comes from the natural instinct of a pack species... that indeed we humans like to congregate in packs. But when you look around in nature a lion doesnt act like a bear to be accepted in his pack. So why do we need to feel the need to change to be accepted? What is it that is inside us to make us suppress ourselves in fear of other peoples thoughts/opinions. I feel it is the fear of loneliness that is the strong emotion behind these actions. Yet to avoid loneliness we will almost do or change anything to attract that special someone or circle. Why is loneliness such a powerful emotion? This emotion makes me question if I should rethink my past relationships just so I do not feel this feeling of loneliness. Is this worth it if the relationships is not healthy? Is not feeling lonely better than being unhappy? Sometimes the fear of loneliness causes us to act irrationally or in a mode of desperation. Sometimes I feel as I am like Adam and the lack of a companion makes me realize, understand and know what loneliness feels like. For without this we would not appreciate or understand the lack or absence of loneliness which is given with a companion in a relationship. This brings me to my search for my Eve. Being 23, is it odd to totally be over the whole club/bar scene? Is it odd to not want a temporary time filling relationship but a life long companion of who I can live life with? Is it odd that a college age person wants to be taken seriously and has aspirations of actually doing something about things most people only talk about? Some have said I live beyond my age but I dont believe this. I think we have set such a low bar or standard for people our age that no one including ourselves takes us seriously. Why is it so many people our age still have high school relationships? Is it odd to yearn for something serious and life long at our age? I often times think that people including myself have this fear of loneliness is partially due to the false feeling of loving being in love. So I have to ask myself will I allow this fear of loneliness control my judgments or actions? Will I allow this feeling to set the tone of my attitude or outlook on myself? Will I allow this fear of acceptance or approval control the way I am with people? Is acceptance of a false me acceptance of me really anyway? The answer is no. Even though this choice does not rid me of these emotions it is a conscience decision to not empower them. To not dwell on them, to not cast aspersions on myself because of these. In our Nooma sphere on Wed we were discussing a verse that truly made me realize that this false temporary fear is nothing in comparison to what amazing things are coming. Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. As amazing as that verse is, it blew me away even more when you break it down. Be still, and know that I am God. Be still, and know that I am. Be still, and know. Be still. Be.

The past couple weeks have been bitter sweet. After being fed up with work and how I was being treated I began my search for a new job. This was a big step for me personally because it was hard I since I have put my heart into this project. It was almost like my emotional attachment was chaining me to something I couldnt leave even if things were not the best. So from sending out my resumes and doing the whole CareerBuilder, Monster, AIGA thing I got offers from various companies. Most of the offers with good money, REAL GOOD sometimes, but I would have to go against my moral beliefs. So I had to ask myself is it worth compromising my beliefs to get out of something that I no longer was happy with. Most of them were relatively easy decisions but a couple of them were hard. To be honest it was hard to not let the money speak louder than it could very easily have. So after some weeks I decided that I had not felt like any were really meant for me. But that was ok, through this experience I felt like it has put me in a state of mind that I am here because I am suppose to be here at this moment. But through this experience it has made me available for when the time does arise for me to leave I can and I will.

I thought of a quote today that made me really think... "To many are average, to few are great." As I thought about this I wondered what it might look like and what the impact might be if we were not comfortable or satisfied with just being average and settled for nothing less than greatness. What amazing things could we accomplish, how would the shockwave of this change effect our cities, country, world? If our aspirations, goals, standards were set to this new bar in which changing the standard of average, changing and propelling us to strive even harder. I ask, how many are there that would avoid greatness due to it in convincing them in their lives of habit, their lives of comfort? How many of you have greatness within you that you suppress? Question is what is holding you back and what will you do with it?

"True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness." - Einstein How true that many times we do not live life with ALL of ourselves. Often times holding back or hiding part of ourselves that we feel is not acceptable or appealing. How are we to truly live life and live out our goodness and righteousness if we do not allow ourselves to be completely exposed and open. Can one express our souls deepest emotions or expressions if we are restraining it?